


I Know How To Leave But Not To Stay

by doleurexquise



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Comforting Yuuri, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Victor's father is an asshole, argument, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 20:11:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8937496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doleurexquise/pseuds/doleurexquise
Summary: the one where Viktor and Yuuri get in a fight, leaving Yuuri a crying mess and Viktor an emotional one. He comes home. With tears in his eyes and an even bigger pain in his chest, Viktor tells Yuuri about his emotional childhood.





	

**Author's Note:**

> moya lyubov' // my love

It seemed like centuries had passed since Viktor had left. Yuuri was still crying, the tears hadn't appeared to end in the past hour. Every time he attempted to contain himself, a new set of tears replaces the old ones and spilled down his cheeks. He was curled in bed onto his sheets that seemed to be colder than ever now that Viktor wasn't there to hold him. 

He kept on checking his phone that was on the nightstand, hoping that his boyfriend would send him a text, saying that he was alright but he needed a while to cool off and that he would be home soon.

That text never happened. 

Yuuri didn't even remember why the pair had gotten into a fight, all he remembers is the fact that Viktor was looking at him with such sadness in his wonderfully blue eyes, but it quickly turned into rage. 

He remembers all the words Viktor called him. 

annoying, clingy, stupid, good for nothing. 

The remembrance of the way Viktor's voice dripped with such venom and the way his eyes darkened with rage made Yuuri sob into his pillow. 

Not because he was sad Viktor called him those names, but because he was right. 

Every time Viktor told him he was beautiful, every time he called Yuuri perfect, an angel; he lied. Viktor knew just the right way to make Yuuri fall for him and leave him crying because he used all of Yuuri's insecurities against the younger male to make him hate himself in a way no one else could. 

He was crying so loudly, he didn't even hear the door open. Yuuri curled up further into himself, wrapping his arms around his chest in an effort to hold himself.

As Viktor kicked off his shoes with a frown etched onto his face, the sound of sobs made his head snap up to look down the hallway where he and Yuuri's bedroom was. 

Viktor felt tears spring in his eyes, he caused his love to feel like this. Yuuri was curious, there wasn't anything wrong with that, but of course, Viktor goes and fucks up the only good thing going in his life. 

Viktor trailed down the hallway silently, trying his hardest not to make any noise. Yuuri's cries broke his heart, it wasn't the first time he made him cry, and honestly, it made Viktor hate himself so much.

"Yuuri," Viktor said quietly as he approached their bedroom, Yuuri looked up at him with wide eyes. The light of the moon seeping through the window and making his tears seem more prominent. Viktor took a step towards Yuuri, who's eyes widened in alarm, he scrambled off the bed and wiped his tears with the back of his palm. 

"Yuuri," Viktor repeated, voice breaking at the sight of the man he's so desperately in love with look at him with such fear and anxiety. "Dorogoy, I-I'm sorry. I don't know-"

"It's okay," Yuuri replied, looking anywhere but at the older man. Viktor shook his head, willing himself not to cry because he needed to say this.

"No, it's not," He started, walking over to Yuuri and placing his cold hand on his lover's warm cheek. "I know you probably won't believe me when i say this, but I'm in love with you, Yuuri Katsuki. And I know, I know that i'm a shit boyfriend and I used the things you don't like about yourself against you, and you don't have to trust me anymore. I know I lost that right when I called you those things..." When Yuuri didn't say anything, Viktor sighed and stepped away, dropping his arm and bowing his head, knowing he really, truly fucked up. 

"If you want me to go, I will," Viktor said, Yuuri shook his head furiously, more tears spilling down his cheeks as he said those words. 

"P-please, don't go." Yuuri cried, looking down, hands shaking as he spoke. "I know that I'm annoying and clingy and fat and i don't know why you would want me. but please don't leave me again." Viktor looked at him, the moonlight shining onto his slim figure, making everything seem clearer; his lovely chocolate colored irises which were filled to the brim with tears, the outline of his nose, the structure of his jaw, everything that made Yuuri himself made Viktor fall deeper. 

It just broke his heart that Yuuri thought of himself that way.

Viktor didnt say anything for a while, he looked at the bed, with its disheveled sheets and tear stained pillows, and sat down at the edge. He looked at the ground, before deciding that he was ready to speak. 

"My mom died when I was 12," Viktor finally said after minutes of listening to Yuuri's heavy breathing. His words made Yuuri raise his gaze, he hadn't ever heard of this. And by this, he means the tone of Viktor's voice, the sensitivity and hollowness his words are said in. Almost as if he's said those words over and over a million times. 

Yuuri looked at his lover, his silence gave Viktor the cue to continue. 

"I remember that day like it was yesterday, I often have nightmares about it. I was out with my aunt, we were looking for a present for my mom's birthday and she got a phone call. It was from my father. He told her that she had swerved on some ice while driving. He told her that she crashed into a tree and was killed instantly.

"It was kind of weird, because I don't remember feeling anything as we rushed to the hospital. I don't remember feeling anything at the funeral, and during all the tears that I was forced to weep because I didn't want anyone to think that I was slowly driving myself insane. There were days when I would come home from school expecting my mom to be there with that smile that she always had on her face, even though she had bruises on her wrist and forced hickies on her neck that my father had given her. She smiled because she had me, and I smiled because I had her." Viktor paused, and Yuuri didn't know if it was because he was about to cry or because he was trying to remember. 

The younger man sat down on the bed next to Viktor, he grabbed his hand and squeezed, reassuring him that Yuuri was here and that he wasn't going anywhere.

"I watched as my father drowned himself in alcohol, sex and drugs. I would wake up to the sounds of my father fucking some woman because he was 'grieving'. He was gone, and I honestly didn't know if it was because he loved my mom or because she was the only person who made money. 

"I was 13 when he started touching me." Viktor heard Yuuri take a sharp intake of breath, desperately attempting to hold his tears in. Viktor looked at Yuuri, who was gazing at him with such sadness in his eyes. 

"At first, I didn't understand, why was he doing this? I blamed myself for my mother's death. My god, I was a fucking mess when they told me that it wasn't an accident, it was suicide. I blamed, and blamed and cried myself to sleep at night, screaming in my head that if only I didn't fuss that much, if only I didn't argue with her about the stupidest, most idiotic things, she would been here. 

"My dad continued to drink, that was all he did, he would go to work, come back, touch me, and fall asleep on the couch. It was a never ending cycle. I was terrified to tell anyone, because I knew, I knew that my father would kill me, just like he forced my mother to kill herself. I was 14 when I first started to skate. I couldn't tell anyone that I found a pair of ice skates in the attic, and I couldn't tell anyone that I would skip school to go to the ice rink. I was, in love with the sensation of the cold air flooding my pores while I danced along the ice, the skates sliding so gracefully across the cold, frozen ground. It was my getaway, I needed it like I needed oxygen to survive. I grew out my hair, because it made me feel like I could be both a girl and a boy. It was an odd feeling, I was 14 and I couldn't comprehend the way I felt. It was also the age when I realized that I liked boys and girls. I kissed a boy at age 15.  
"Somehow, my dad found out about the kiss. I can't describe how angry he was. It was something that terrified me to death. He beat me, calling me a faggot and raped me. I was disgusted with myself. I would wake up in the morning in my shitty house, hating my even shittier life, and realize that I wanted to die. I finally understood how my mom felt, the sensation of his fingers against my skin, pressing harshly to create bruises, I understood why my mom killed herself after years of anger. 

"I was also 15 when a video of me skating was put on the internet by a friend of mine, it was kind of like your situation, Yuuri." Viktor looked at Yuuri, almost scared that he had lost interest. But no, there he was, with sad eyes and a frown etched on his features, giving Viktor his full attention.  
"Yakov found me, he was the one who told me that I could do anything if I continued to skate. He was the one who gave me the motivation to tell him about the cuts on my wrist and my situation. Yakov was the one who put my father in jail, I am forever in debt to him. He trained me, he told me that I was amazing at what I did. I moved in with Yakov and everything was well, I became the top figure skater and I wasn't happy, but I wasn't depressed. I guess for the longest time, I was numb. I would be 18 and sleeping with random men and women, because I needed something to talk my mind off the emptiness I felt." Yuuri still had his hand wrapped around Viktor's, his eyes wide and luminous in the dark, they were framed with thick, heavy lashes and Viktor swore he felt his breath get taken away by his lover's beauty. 

He leaned in and pressed his lips softly against Yuuri's, kissing him slowly, gently.

Because sometimes, with the right person, kissing is like healing. 

Viktor pulled away with tears in his eyes, he placed his hand on Yuuri's cheek, smiling as he leaned into his touch.

"That was before I met you, moya lyubov'. You make me complete, I'm so in love with you. You are the reason I am alive, you are the reason why I feel. I was born to love you, I just hope that you feel the same." Yuuri smiled, and let out a soft chuckle. 

"Viktor Nikiforov, I would be an idiot to not love you back. I want you in the most cheesiest, love filled way. I want to be with you, and love you until we die. You are amazing, and I can't believe you are all mine." 

"You don't care about my past? You don't think I am disgusting?" he asked quietly, anxiety flooding him, which was unusual. Yuuri shook his head, feeling Viktor's breath fan against his lips. 

"Your past makes you the incredibly strong, brave and amazing person that you are today. I'm just angry that such a cruel man could do something so disgusting to someone so beautiful." Yuuri brushed a stray hair that fell into Viktor's face and smiled softly. 

"I love you. That's all that matters, isn't it?" Viktor nodded, kissing Yuuri once more before taking him into his arms. 

"You're all I need." He whispered. "And I'm sorry for the things I said, I had no right. I don't want to lose you. I never want to lose you, angel." 

"You never will,"


End file.
